I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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