nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
