Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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