either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He has the fingertips of a God
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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