I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
