so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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