You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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