Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
