im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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