I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
