so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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