No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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