im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
