Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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