Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
