I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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