just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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