yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
