he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
