Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
