my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
