We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
