i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
why do cheetos always look like penises
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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