my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
