you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
