yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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