She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
