We're facebook friends in real life
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
