I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
