So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
