There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
