Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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