They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
