Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize