just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize