well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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