babies were throwing up all over the place
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
