So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Randomize
