you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
