i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
