apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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