Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
