I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
