He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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