I love black thongs
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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