You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize