the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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