I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
