we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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