I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
