a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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