I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and she was petting her beer can
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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