My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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