It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
