we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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