smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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