You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize